Are you a real person?

Sadly, no.

Why the hell do you have a website?

Vanity.  Sheer vanity.

What is a “haldira”?

It is a female Haldir.

Who the hell is Haldir?

Uhm, do you not read!?!?!?!

What does reading have to do with Haldir?

Please leave my website.  Leave it now and never return.  You are dead to me.

Why do you dress up in costumes?

I’m stuck in an infinite loop of Halloween.  I blame Wesley Crusher.

Can I marry you?

You can’t afford me.

You make people pay to marry you?

It’s a figure of speech.  I thought I told you to leave and never return?

Are you famous?

Of course.

What happens when a man loves a woman?

Michael Bolton gets his wings.

Why do girls get free drinks at bars?

Because breasts often equate to free things, like drinks and chlamydia.

Why don’t you wear stockings?

I do.

Who is your favorite supermodel?

The tall, thin one.  You know who I’m talking about, right?  She’s small chested and vacant in the eyes.

Name one place you’d love to visit.


Favorite color?


Favorite food?

Warm, lumpy.

Favorite sport?

Is this considered a sport?  I’m a speed-typer.  It’s like speed skating, but much harder.

Favorite flower?

White roses painted red.

What is anime?

It’s not cartoons!

What is your favorite book?

It was something about grandeur anticipations or something.

What’s 2 plus 2?

There is no spoon.

Are you a geek?

Did you just now find this place?  Seriously, that is a wasted question!

Why are you answering these questions.

Because they are frequently asked, obviously.

Do you really think we care?

Why are you still reading?  Didn’t I tell you to leave!?

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